Oh, The Misery

The ego is like a prison. It keeps us in a house of mirrors. I imagine that narcissism is related to an overpowering ego, and I believe in “alcoholic insanity”. Alcoholic insanity is when you are lost in an addiction, any addiction, that keeps you at the center of the universe. Years ago, when I partied a lot and painted like a crazy person, while struggling with mental illness and taking medications, I carried an obscure belief. I believed that I was the only one that suffered in the way that I did, and that I was essentially totally alone in my pain. It took a level of maturity and growing up to realize that I am not ”terminally unique”, as they say in twelve step literature. It does not serve me to burn alone in my pain and terror, and it is this very aloneness that can kill me, hence the word terminal. It is scary to let love in when you are suffering in such a way. I had my pack that I ran with, but it wasn’t until I joined in with community in a meaningful way out here on Lopez Island, that I realized that we all suffer greatly, and that I am not alone in that.

Anger, blame, jealousy, and judgement are true obstacles to work around when you are involved in this “alcoholic insanity”. Now, that term is slightly archaic as is the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that began in the 1930’s, but they wrote the blueprint that endless twelve step programs follow today. Hence the twelve steps. But there are many other approaches and recovery communities to explore that do not involve the word God, and may use different principles. There are many roads to the top of the mountain.

I asked myself on my walk today, “Why do all program people not get along? Why do all Christians not get along? Why do all musicians not get along?” The reality is that we are all the same and we ALL have pain and differing levels of insanity whether it be a learning disability, an eating disorder, an obsession with a person or thing, any physical ailment, a tendency to overachieve, perfectionism, an addiction to sex or money, terrible family dynamics, paranoia,  or a mental illness of any kind. We are all so different, but we can get along if we follow simple guidelines. AA is set up this way as are NAMI support groups. Unity is a major principle, as well as principles before/above personalities.

I am learning, and I am growing. But, I still am not perfect. I struggle with anger and rage, and debilitating grief and trauma. In my younger years, working with children was a way that I healed and connected with my inner child, while teaching art and music. The truth is right now I feel pretty lost without my partner of 27.5 years. There is a lot to grief, and on top of that I have schizoaffective disorder - bipolar type, and struggle greatly with this disability. I am alone now, and I have a hard time with family and neighbor and community connections as my illness shows its nasty head. But, I am not diving into using alcohol as a soothing agent, though I am smoking a lot. Today has been a difficult day, and rage and anger are up for me. I do have an as needed medication I can take to remove the agitation and make me calmer so I can work my way back into being an appropriate, polite, respectable human being. The main issue is talking and shouting in my back yard, when there are people close by. I am sure they do not appreciate this. People also become disconcerted when we mental health consumers talk to ourselves. ‘Who are they talking to? Are they hearing voices in their heads?’ For me it is that I am imaging that I have someone there - it makes me feel less alone. Being mentally ill is a very lonely place to be in this society. The trouble is that there is an increased amount of alienation that you create for yourself even though what you need most is to hold a hand.

You cannot talk about mental illness in this country without talking about alcohol. You also cannot talk about alcoholism without talking about mental illness. Where do we go to seek connection when we are suffering and alone? I see two main options. We can either go to an AA meeting or we can go to the bar. Maybe it is the coffee shop or an NA meeting, but still, we head out into this frightening and wild world to seek connection, a hand, in whatever form it takes. This is what those of us, all of us, who suffer need; an open hand. There is no right or wrong way. It is easy to think that there is. It is easy in this nation to have a puritan mind. Connection is the opposite of addiction. So right now, I am challenging myself to go to the bar on my small island community to connect with old friends. If I can’t stay close to the steps, traditions, and principles of my program in doing so, I could easily fall into old patterns. Basically wasting money and getting intoxicated, which just leads me closer to a chaotic inner world where I cannot control my rage and my anger, and I become out of touch with my grief and my trauma. Maybe I am slipping. Maybe a slight retrograde is what I need. I am trying religion. I am trying silence and prayer. I am taking many medications. I am attending meetings. I am spending time with the kids. I am caring for my parents. I am taking care of my house and my plants and my pets. Still, I need help. I need a hand.

It has been a rough three months, and I have been handling Steve’s death pretty well. With my parents gone in India for six weeks, I am alone on the property during the darkest phase of the sun. I have been healing and staying grounded in my recovery work for the most part. I just miss him so damn much. I have been feeling, healing, and processing a lot these last three months, and now it feels like “we” are entering a new phase of processing Steve’s passing. It could be because he is ready to have his body be fully released into the earth in the form of his compost. Which was delivered two days ago. Perhaps it is because I need to let him go. The last thing I want is to be mad at Steve, but this is an honest and messy process. It is not just clouds and harps and angels. It goes deep and is very ugly. And this is okay. I just hope that I find whoever you are that is out there that knows the ways through the deep and can show me a few tricks. It is getting dark, but it is also getting light at the same point. I believe this is a turning and I can ride it in. I believe despair is natural and useful. I will find my way, and of course, this too shall pass.