God and realism
Pixabay
Questing Sanity - God and Realism
A Non-Fiction Essay By Moon Metcalf
There are two things that have changed and influenced my quest for sanity for the better. Both of these things have affected my life, and have created a skill and an aptitude for survival that aids in dealing with the daily difficulty and struggle I endure living with schizoaffective disorder. They are god and realism. The first element, god, on the long path of recovery that I have journeyed these last twenty years, did not settle into my life in an influential way until I had been painting, writing poems, and quantifying my illness in the realm of survival and healing for almost 15 years. My quest for reality ensued when I started suffering with psychosis very early on in my illness. Realism, the acceptance of what is real and learning to act accordingly, has helped me achieve wellness within my quest for finding reality, and thus sanity.
I first fell “psychotically” ill when I was just seventeen. I suffered major depression, anxiety, and psychosis. Though it was clear that anti-depressants triggered more symptoms, one of the first inclinations of bipolar disorder, I still did not receive the diagnosis of bipolar disorder one, for five or so years. I later would receive the diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder - bipolar type in 2007, after my third hospitalization and over 10 years dealing with acute mental illness.
It wasn’t until 2012, that I explored the matter of faith in my life in a committed manner. I started going to church, and did so somewhat religiously for four strait years. I became committed. I was a volunteer; helping with set up, running the power point, and performing on stage singing music. I attended a bible study and was baptized for the second time in my life a couple of years into it, in September of 2014.
I had prayed to god, early on during hardship with my illness, years before, while dealing with symptoms that were unbearable. I did not practice spirituality actively, however, until my early thirties. During these earlier times of hardship, I could become filled with magnanimous fear. I did not know reality, and I was very afraid of losing my mind. I did in fact lose my mind many times. I was hospitalized twice early on in my illness, once I had trouble speaking the english language, and I also once forgot my own name. My “christian” upbringing, had me lean on a god to which I would pray, in the hopes that everything would be okay; that ‘this too shall pass’. These roots led to a reserve of faith, and later, I felt that exploring faith in the manner of studying and receiving christ and the bible would spur these deep roots that seemed to be inside of me.
It worked, and I found my life transforming in significant ways. I was practicing true resilience. I was healing deep wells of grief that lay heavy on my soul and that were stored deep in the cells of my physical body. I was renewed, and even saved, from the harsh reality and responsibility for our suffering that we can place upon ourselves as human beings. I did not need to take responsibility for the world any longer, and all of the evil that exists here, because I had faith in a greater divinity.
I now believe in god. I truly believe. Faith is universal in its essence, and anyone at anytime is capable of understanding this. For me, it meant delving deep into the patterns of my upbringing, the christian roots that were planted within me as a young girl first learning about god. Christianity, the pursuit of faith, and the belief in a loving god, ultimately changed my life and set the foundation for a much needed leap and in my healing process. I now understand my illness as a gift. My struggle with mental illness is infused with light, and faith penetrates my being. I have hope. Faith and god are rudimentary and fundamental in my success as a human being living with schizoaffective disorder - bipolar type, while questing sanity.
The other major influence in my quest for sanity, is the concept of realism, which means “the attitude or practice of accepting a situation as it is and being prepared to deal with it accordingly.” Realism can also be thought of as existentialism. I met a man in Boston, Massachusetts on Instagram who has the diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder - depressive type, the other end of the spectrum, and the second categorization of schizoaffective disorder. He is a writer as well, and documents his life and trials while dealing with severe mental illness and alcoholism, in a realist manner. I have learned much from his perspective while reading his writings. Whether you are dealing with depression, moods, mania, anxiety, trauma, psychosis, or addictive and compulsive behaviors, one can benefit greatly from a realist view. Realism is very much about the acceptance of a situation. It took me many years, even the total of two decades, to accept my illness and to embrace the fate of being a mental health consumer in its totality. I still struggle with acceptance to this day.
Once you accept the truth of your situation, you become able to embrace a situation and then develop the ability to act upon it and life in an achievable manner. You learn to love yourself more. It takes mastering a sense of hope, and totally recapitulating the concept that we are good and that mental illness is a gift. A realist perspective comes second. Believing in god and perceiving my trials as a gift came first. Then, while practicing realism, and realizing and accepting my limits, I became able to move forward in life with a sober perspective.
Accepting my fate of being diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, I then was able to give up work and school entirely, while focusing on wellness practices of mind and body. I quit drinking, dedicated myself to regular sitting and meditation, and disciplined myself into a realistic exercise regime. I am unfaltering in this. The truth is that work and school are very triggering for me, have exasperated symptoms endlessly, and have landed me in the hospital several times.
All three times I was hospitalized, I was enrolled in college and was applying myself fully to the life of being a student. After giving up on school, I committed myself to holding a job in order to prove a sense of stability; part-time mostly. While I worked, I practiced my creativity actively; writing poetry, a memoir, and painting diligently. After moving to Lopez in 2007, I continued to paint for seven or eight years, and then I stopped. I continued to write and work. In 2016, I suffered from another psychotic break. I avoided the hospital while living in the tight knit community of Lopez and being close to my family. I worked again in 2017, but I gave that up as I suffered through medication adjustment after adjustment. I became realistic, not only about my mental illness and limitations, but also that I am an artist and a creative being. The two went hand in hand, and now I spend my time wholly practicing basic wellness and writing. This seems to work for me.
Realism and existentialism go hand in hand for me. I exist. That is all. There is no silver lining, and thus my ego does not become out of balance, nor does it become so large or so small that I develop misguided ideas or desires about my importance and/or purpose that inevitably lead to disappointment. We tend to have a god complex when our egos are too small. We tend to feel insignificant when our egos are over bloated with narcissism. We exist. The ego is very real, and if we can accept in a realistic fashion that we just are who we are, and love and accept ourselves and our fate, our ego will become increasingly healthy and balanced. Reality has been hard for me to find over and over on this journey while dealing with psychosis. Science; the science of psychiatry, psychology and pharmacology, have all been incredibly helpful in helping me embrace a sense of objectivity that aids in seeing things as they are.
Of course, I first and foremost need medication to help my brain chemistry. But, an attitude of accepting reality, the situation as it is, and being prepared to act accordingly, is the next and final step in finding a sure footing in what is real and the road to wellness. Many people struggle with delusions, unbalanced egos, narcissism, depression, compulsivity, and paranoia, all which create imbalance in accepting a situation and reality as it really is. The practice of realism is very sobering. I desire to be sober and here, so as to do the best I can within my limitations while learning to succeed with the hand that I was dealt.
A belief in god, and practicing faith, ultimately gave me a sense of purpose. Through accepting that I am loved, and by surrendering control, I was opened to the possibility of receiving reality as it is. So the two go hand and hand you see, at least they do for me. In embracing the fact that anything is possible, and that everything has purpose, the large and the small, the sensical and the nonsensical, as well as understanding the loving energy of a god and of nature, I am able to comprehend the hard scientific truth and reality to all that exists, and that there is neither good nor bad to any situation. It all just exists. The mere fact of existence, once facts are established and observed, is reinforced by the fact that existence itself has great meaning.
Accepting that things have no meaning, or are neutral, also implies a great realistic importance. I always revert to contemplating the buddhist concept that “emptiness is form and form is emptiness.” This could be interpreted as ‘god exists, existence is god’, or perhaps that what is real has great meaning and lacks meaning entirely, and that life must have great purpose simply because it exists. All in all, a belief in god supports the belief that existence and reality, just as it is, has purpose. Aha! So, I have great purpose in living with my mental illness, just as I am, because it is my reality. There is also no good or bad to my purpose or situation, and this is a relief. I am supported by both god and realism.