Retrograde

The sun is burning through ornamental clouds, and this morning the waning moon was out on the horizon. I am savoring this time at home with my pets and my chores, and I feel complete in my aloneness. It has taken a few months, and around the new year, starting with one drink the day after Steve’s body was delivered home in the form of nourishing compost on the 28th, literally my 11 months sobriety date, I had a slight retrograde with my not drinking. I have told my meetings, my sponsor, my therapist, my sister and my parents, and though I work an honest program, which means today is day five, not eleven months and ten days, I am okay with it all really. The nature of a retrograde as I am calling it, is that the planet in the sky appears to be moving backwards, but truly it is not. I am avoiding the bar now, and for a few months, was able to attend events at the bar and not drink. But one leads to two, and in my case, I had two drinks two different times. I never got drunk, and though I am displeased with my behavior, I feel I am still moving forward in my recovery and my sobriety. I have been in AA constantly for six and a half years, and most all of that time, and up to three years before that, I have mostly abstained from drinking and/or getting drunk. Some meetings have a rule that you get excused from your service positions if you partake in even one drink, and I am thankful that our small local meeting does not enforce this kind of punitive discipline. It happened to me in an online meeting, I watched it happen to someone else, and I believe that this type of policy just encourages further relapse. I appreciate our unconventional local meeting, and find that we are welcoming to all sorts of types and addictions, as we are the only twelve step program on the island, aside from one Al-Anon meeting a week.

I actually am super proud that I did not drink for a solid three months after Steve’s death on September 27th of 2025. I think that is absolutely amazing. Why wouldn’t I partake? Honestly, the prospect of meeting a man or woman at the bar that might be willing to start a relationship was one of the reasons that I fell off of the wagon. But I do not need a short term rebound relationship, and I do believe there may be other venues that I might meet someone. I am just returning to my body, and I am still experiencing a certain level of brain fog from the grief. Yesterday, I came straight home after watching the high school girls and boys basketball games at the school, a wholesome and sober event, and cried myself to sleep. I would not be doing this if I were drunk or sleeping around. Honestly, I have not been alone and single since I was nineteen, and in a lot of ways, I feel like that lost teenage girl. Steve helped support me especially through the beginning years of learning to live with serious mental illness, and I am grateful that I had his hand to hold through those difficult years. I got on my feet and worked several jobs, though I had a mental health relapse nine years into our relationship while attending massage school. Then I moved out to Lopez Island, and though I started drinking again after a year of sobriety, I worked and remained mostly stable for another nine years. Then in 2016 I relapsed with my mental health once again, and spent these last nine years getting sober and hunkering down into a slower life away from the bar.

I am alone now, and I am learning to live with that. In this new life, I have discovered that many others are alone and are also dealing with unbearable grief. I am not unique in this experience. But, I am choosing to get back on the wagon, and work at getting used to this new life very much sober from illegal drugs, marijuana, or alcohol. It is just the right and responsible choice for bettering my mental health. I want to be there for family. My sister has been absolutely amazing since Steve died, starting with spending three or four nights here in my guest room right after Steve’s passing, so I did not have to be alone. She is a good model for me, as she barely drinks and smokes, and has a wonderful grounded family to take care of. I can lean on her wisdom and experience, as she has always been a responsible person. It is okay to borrow from other’s lives right now. I also am attending a bible study and two different churches. I meet with my Al-Anon sponsor every week, attend five Al-Anon and two AA meetings a week, and meet with my therapist/social worker every two weeks and have just begun traveling off-island once a month to visit with her in person. I take my medications, another reason it is wise for me to not drink at all, and try and eat healthy and exercise regularly. I take vitamin supplements, drink a lot of water and tea, and have good hygiene routines. I am slowly learning to keep my house as clean as possible, and I love picking away at chores throughout the day and being home with my pets. This community is full of so many wonderful people that are on a healing journey, as even the bar seems full of wholesome people at times. My plan is to avoid the music this Saturday, and maybe attend the Open Mic in the 16th, but not go before then. It has been so nice to see old friends and to socialize, but my mental health is just too precious, and these feelings of sadness, anger and grief can only be doctored if I am present and un-intoxicated. So here is to yet another retrograde, and remembering what I truly value and wish to work towards in my simple life. A life where I can be emotionally intelligent, sane, and worthy of real wholesome love.