Love's Creation

You know who taught me about Faith? It wasn’t my dear friend Tamara who walked with me and sat with me in sacred natural settings. It wasn’t my best friend Patty who delivered me my precious dog, Jay. It wasn’t my friend Martha who brought me to Christ the King. It wasn’t my Dad who told me to buckle my seatbelt and sung to me on my way to school every morning. It wasn’t my sister who woke me on Christmas mornings by jumping on me in joy. It wasn’t my mother who sewed me dresses and sang me to sleep. It wasn’t my mother in law who accepted me fully when no-one else would. It wasn’t my brother in law who embraced me the other day as I collapsed in his arms in tears. It wasn’t my other brother in law who taught me how to be sober. It was the man who walked at my side for twenty seven years, and allowed me to breathe him off to sleep. The one who carried me when I could not carry myself just as Jesus does. The one who fed me when I was unable to eat. The one who cleaned up the broken glass that was all around me when I was in a fit of rage. The one who came every day for two weeks to the psych ward and waited until they finally let him in. The one who let me cry on his shoulder and made love to me in the night. The one who taught me to care for dogs and cats. The one who taught me to survive. That one was Steve.

I am not alone. I have faith. It is a pure and essential gift that I do not take for granted. And as I learn to hold myself up in the storm that is grief, I feel the gentle presence of the Lord. I can do this. I can continue this life without my soulmate at my side. Because I have Faith and I have God. Jesus. I feel His love, and I can tell that he now embraces Steve in his fold, so when I pray to Him, I can feel and remember the pure love of my life partner. And he wants me to continue. Steve wants me to carry on and love others and make new friends. But the seed he sowed in me all these years, is now fertilized by his passing, and is sprouting in me like never before. It is the greatest gift I have ever known.

I prayed with the women at my Bible study concerning my writing. Years ago, I published a book of my blog posts. Steve was pertinent in the reading over and editing of these sacred words that I forever put down in print. True, it will be dust and forgotten someday, but putting it on the page in book form made my words immortal. And the book belongs to God. I do not take credit, for I have read it many times and it helps me a lot. It did not come from me but rather through me. I want this for my current writing of words here, on my blog. The ladies at my Bible study understand this, and we have asked for me guidance in moving forward. I do have faith in my creative process, and I believe in the power of the mistake. If there ever was a word written here, that speaks against God, I know that it will lead there eventually. Writing is the gift I have been given in this life. My gift comes from a creative power that is beyond all understanding. Not from me. But through me.

Every single person on this Earth, every child of God, has in them the gift of creativity. Every child knows this, and their drawings, paintings, and clay figures are divine and perfect. Every parent knows this. God knows this about you, too. You are a perfect child capable of creating divine magic in your art. Be a vessel. Do not judge yourself. Say what is true on your heart that aligns with the god of your understanding. Forgiveness, patience, acceptance, and hope are all keys in letting the divine magic of the Lord enter our art through our finger tips. Try something, anything, that moves you deeply into a state of worship, for you are a beautiful vessel and child, and you are able. God blesses us. Solstice is a day away, and we really need God’s presence right now. That is why we light a candle. That is why we shed our tears. That is why we sing and dance… because God loves us and wishes this for us so we can be closer to Him and His beautiful plan. We are but children remembering the truth and beauty of pure love in every moment. Lean into it. Be yourself. Let the love in. Tell yourself you are beautiful and perfect. God loves.