Ghost

I am in love with your ghost. Yes, I can hear the voices of the dead. It is not really audio hallucination as with schizophrenia, but I know people. I know Ari, Tobin, Colette, Steve, and many others that visit me on this small island that have passed from our earthly realm. The Christians would call this seeing through the veil. Or actually communicating. It is only in psychosis that I cannot tell the living from the dead. Usually, I know when a psychic visitor is alive.

I am not psychotic. Though, I have been in a state of a constant episode of sorts for eleven months now. My lover Stephen passed away September 27th, and we are encroaching a year of my grieving process. I am still close with my family, I have not left home, and I am leaning deeper into my recovery than ever before. I have started painting again, and this is crucial, because much of what I am experiencing is beyond words. I am delving into art appreciation and education on LinkedIn of all places.

Steve is with me everyday. We sleep together, and he helps me when I attempted at making potluck dishes for family church, or simply attempt at feeding myself. I have to lean deep into basic health now. I am cleaning, caring for the dog and cat, and continually doing laundry and sorting and organizing. It is quite the adventure doing inventory of my house and shed, because there is a whole universe here that was not mine. Steve’s tools and belongings, our belongings, are taking on new meaning, and I am learning to utilize so much that I never have.

I have never been single or lived alone as an adult. Steve and I moved in with each other full-time when I was twenty, after a year of courtship. We had an amazing life together, and the good memories are finally beginning to flood in. I have had to work through a lot of regret in my grief, as well as interpersonal conflict and resentment of others that affected Steve and mine life together. Now, it is okay. I am continually moving towards peace and serenity.

Steve’s obituary is in its second draft, and I plan to post this in the Seattle Times soon. It is interesting that things come about in their own time. I am certainly under the belief that God does not offer us anything in this life which we are not fully ready for. Though I struggle with loneliness, I know I am not alone. I am getting out into the world and making friends as this new person that I have to become.

I am learning that it is okay to follow my own beliefs, as I trudge down this road of happy destiny. I am a firm believer in Spirits. I have been for some time, and for years I have walked with those who have died from mental health suicide in our community. It is a peaceful journey after death, but giving voices to those who do not readily have a voice feels pertinent and mostly joy and peace flow from the spirit world into ours.