The Answers Within

When I was in high school, I learned at my graduation, courtesy of my chemistry teacher’s speech at our graduation, that the one thing that we could do in our lives is to realize the pain we have caused other people. Now, I know that what other people feel is there own responsibility, and that I too am responsible for my own pain. However, while in AA and working the steps, I have found that our resentments that we have against the world and other people, which go deep and sometimes live in the subconscious, are strewn with our own error and character defects. Some prefer the term character assets, or survival mechanisms. I have found, that there can be great healing while meditating on the wrongs I have done others. When I believe that I have been wronged, it is true that I have played a part. There is something to learn from this exchange of pain. Similar to a carbon footprint, humans, including myself, leave an imprint on the world through our actions and behaviors. If we can track where we have been, we can resolve deep wounds within ourselves that contribute to our denial and unconsciousness.

Our dreams too can help us unravel our fears and the pain that we have caused others. The other night I had a dream about two people in my life. In the dream, I was begging to know why they hated me. In waking I realized that I still have resentment and pain around these two people. It is in our relationships that we gain insight into ourselves and the world. This is why we focus on the pain we have caused others in working the twelve steps, knowing that when we work steps eight and nine, we will find great peace. On pages 83 to 84 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, are the ninth step promises. When I read these words, I know that I am on the path to recovery and that I can find hope. So many of these words ring true to me as I pursue sobriety and practice the programs of AA and Al-Anon.

Lately, I have been suspicious that I fall somewhere on the Autism Spectrum or that I have ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). In dealing with burnout, caused by my duties as a full-time caregiver, I have faced some behavior that leads me to think that I belong here. In dealing with this, I have feared that I have been offending people, and that my actions, though unintentional, have been causing people to make assumptions about me. Truly, I am just dealing with a lot, and in experiencing this exhaustion and burnout that comes from managing a household completely on my own and caring for (ie. Feeding, bathing, dressing and waiting on my partner) a person who is in cancer treatment and is physically disabled and in a wheelchair, I have lost my ability to filter and mask and explain my actions and beliefs. People around me are affected by my mental illnesses, and I have learned in mental health support meetings that “mental illnesses are traumatic events.” This is true both for me personally and for the people that I affect with my actions. The truth is that with ASD, which I am not currently diagnosed with, and my schizoaffective disorder- bipolar type, often I cannot control my behavior, and I use my skills, faith, and medications to manage my illness and to steer me on the right path. AA and Al-Anon help me immensely with knowing that I am loved, remembering to take it easy and to take one day at a time, to develop behaviors that actually help instead of hinder me, seeking forgiveness and amends with others, and to know that I am not alone in my struggle. I am indebted to each and every person in these programs that have been witnessing my journey and recovery first hand.

The truth is that I need principles to live by. The school I graduated from leaned on the words courtesy and common sense; that if we practiced these principles, we might navigate our world and find respect and purpose with life and those around us. I would like to add the word connection to this template. Connection is the opposite of addiction, and sometimes, when in pain ourselves and while fighting the darkness of the world that seeks to usurp us, connection is the first step in finding help and healing. It is good to treat all people with courtesy and respect, and it is also good to practice common sense when navigating a world full of pain. In connection, I seek an environment of people that I can begin to practice these core principles with. For me, recovery and healing the trauma in both my mind and body, is the point. I am an astronaut, and the final frontier is within myself. For I am made of atoms and stardust, and I believe that there are answers to be found within.