Vanity

“In Roman culture, "vanitas" could refer to the fleeting nature of worldly things and the ultimate fruitlessness of human endeavors. Over time, the concept of "vanitas" evolved to encompass the idea of excessive pride and self-admiration, leading to the modern understanding of vanity as a preoccupation with one's own appearance or achievements.” - Google AI Overview

If the root of this word means emptiness and futility, perhaps I am drawn to this word because these are core issues in my life and existence. But the truth is that I feel that I need more vanity. I need pride and self-admiration. I need to stop apologizing and give credit to myself where credit is due. Perhaps vanity, or vanitas, could be a good thing. When I look at myself in the mirror and admire myself; when I admire my own paintings or writing; when I tell myself I am a good singer and a decent musician, I do not feel empty, rather I feel full.

I have often wondered why the Gay community would pick the word pride as their focus. Similar to pride, vanity can be a good thing. When I am prideful, I stop apologizing for simply existing. Some of us need to start somewhere. When we are so beaten down, we need to feel full of love, and human nature can lead us to the answer. Our nature as human beings, is to embody these characteristics. Some may call it futile, that we should just be empty and full of God’s presence, but we need to find the door first. Looking to our character flaws and our coping mechanisms, can lead us to healing and ultimately walking down the rightful path. I personally need more vanity and pride. I need to see myself as worthy and beautiful. If more humans believed they were worthy and beautiful, we would not go around shaming people for being homeless, for being overweight, for being uneducated, for being mentally ill, for being Gay, disabled, or a person of color or just plain different. We lack pride. We are full of emptiness. We are feeling futility in all its opaque sharpness. But what we really need is to focus inward and to love ourselves. Knowing I am beautiful and having pride in my accomplishments, no matter how flawed, leads me all the closer to self-acceptance.

So yes, I need vanity. Why? Because I already feel empty and worthless. I can reshape the meaning of this word, and find solace and comfort in what and all that I am when I am an isolated person. When I am alone, when I am honest, and when I become transparent, I am letting go of what I do not need. Ultimately, what I need is myself and God. Or no God, either way works. Still, when I am truly alone is when I feel a presence of holiness and I can then begin to share my experience of myself with others who may be on a similar path. Connection is important, but it should be good honest and real connection. Not because I am sorry. Not because I think I should not exist or that I am a bad person. Connection is there once we look inward and feel and find our own worth. Being vane is just a conduit for learning to live with myself. I must get that alone time. I must disconnect from control and co-dependance. It is okay to love myself, and love myself completely while all alone. Then, as I use this vanity to absolve my feelings of emptiness, I can fill myself up and develop good connection with a world outside of myself that truly sees me. First, I must see myself. I will try and accept my body as it is, to accept that I am Queer, to accept that being sober is another way I find connection with my deep inner self. And once I have found Emily, whether it is on the wings of Emma, Moon, MoonFlickerStone, or another name, I can share this with the world around me appropriately.