Questioning Sanity

We like to say this about people. That their actions make us question their sanity. But for me, living with schizoaffective disorder, sanity is something that I regularly struggle with. Does having mental illness warrant people questioning my integrity as a person? Sometimes it feels this way. I know I have done some things while in psychosis, or while mentally unwell or while experiencing symptoms, that are very much questionable actions. Perhaps this is why I am so diligent about my actions when I am well and not experiencing any major symptoms. Every day I do, however, deal with a a certain amount of instability. Yesterday, while traveling off-island, about mid-day of a ten hour excursion, I just felt unwell. It can be really difficult to describe to the lay person what I was actually experiencing. It feels sort of like sickness, but it is my mental health rather than my physical. It was a base level of moodiness and/or anxiety, that resulted in me feeling unhappy in my skin. A little melancholy mixed with a little anxiety mixed with a little agitation. As a child I believe I experienced this often, but I did not know how to put it into words. So I would “fake” physical illness, and was often ridiculed for this especially if it fell around a time where I had an obligation or a chore to do.

Becoming an authentic person, a kind and loving person, and a person that can show up on time and stand by their word during times of “complete” wellness, I then work at earning peoples respect and admiration. It can be tough when there are two sides to this coin. Lately, since 2016, I have been struggling again with medication changes, small to large episodes, and generalized mental health issues after nine years of continuously appearing stable to the general public. I live in a small community, so people knew of my mental illness, but I went that whole nine years without any major episodes, though I did experienced symptoms on and off. In recovery and while quitting drinking, as well as while attending regular AA and Al-Anon meetings, I have learned that I must be honest with myself and others, and work every day at recovery. I believe these last nine years of on and off episodes, have led me down a path of even greater integrity. I have been practicing my spirituality and sobriety in new and profound ways. I am also learning to take care of myself in new ways, while remaining sober, and while letting go of what people may or may not think of me. I hate to lose the trust of others, but when people see or hear of your mental illness in real time, they may become alienated or mistrustful. This can result in painful endings to some relationships. My therapist put it nicely, she said “they just can’t handle it.” I believe the small handful of faithful friends that I do have, have compassion for my disability, and in a general sense, they can handle it. Sometimes mental illness can result in more color and diversity, and there may even be those who prefer my company to other “sane” folk. I am super grateful for the friendships and connections in my communities both on Lopez and online that continue to “handle it”. As I earn the respect of others, I work hard at keeping it; taking one day at a time, not taking things personally, not being invertedly biased or resentful, putting one foot in front of another, having gratitude for my current friendships, communicating openly and honestly, taking the next right action, and staying in the moment.

It is not always easy to deal with stigmas, and sometimes they may even come from family members or those who appear to be close to us. Fine tuning what is good for me mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally, is very much what my program of Al-Anon is teaching me. Life can be very messy and complicated, and when one lives with mental illness, this only adds greater struggle and complication to an already difficult world. Sobriety with alcohol and codependency, is helping me further navigate a life where I reach out to people in authenticity, honesty and kindness. Without the programs of AA and Al-Anon, and without my journey of sobriety in both of these programs, I am unsure where I would be today. Here, I get to really connect and be seen by my fellows, and I am super grateful for this. Being seen and accepted for exactly who I am with mental illness, and not having to hide, lie to myself and others, or to deny the truth about who I am, provides for incredible healing.