Dreaming

What are dreams but guidelines for living? It is important to dream, even if many of my dreams have not come true in the way that I had wished for. I hoped to be admitted to Cooper Union art college and pursue abstract painting professionally. I did have a successful career painting, however. I had several shows in Seattle at coffee houses and cafes, and several art displays here on Lopez Island, again at coffee shops and cafes. I sold many paintings throughout the years, and painted and sold paintings at our local Farmer’s Market. I wished to become a massage therapist and made it about half way through that certification program before my mental health took a turn and I ended up hospitalized. I always wanted to be a folk singer or a member of a rock band, and I never really achieved this either. I did, however, do music workshops for young children, wrote and recorded children’s music, performed at talent shows, performed at church with the worship group, and performed and recorded rock and country covers with a friend late into the night. I have even subsided my dreams of being a published author. I did self-publish a book back in 2017, and have read my writing and poetry at various events. I blog regularly and try to write a poem occasionally that I also post on my website. If I look at my life with immense gratitude and appreciation, I can see how all of my dreams came true, even if my original lofty goals were not reached. I truly am humbled by the successes I have achieved living a life with a very real disability that has “hindered” my success. But I am a success, and there is still time and room for more dreaming in this life.

As I continue on the road of recovery and sobriety, I am honing in on life skills in a very humble but rewarding manner. I work on cross addictions, and healing old wounds and resentments. I find value in serving others and the group, not seeking reward necessarily, though I know the appreciation is there and it is often voiced by others. I am prideful that I am a good and loving Aunt, and that I spend time with and value time with my sister’s kids. I cherish my relationships with my parents who are both in their eighties, or close to it. I have worked on my issues both internally and within my connections with family, and it has proven very rewarding. I try not to criticize or judge, and also recognize that the issues that I face or have faced with family lie within. Having solid family connections and friendships takes work, understanding, and patience. I am proud to say that I practice this, and that I do have deep connections within my family and community.

I may be facing one of my worst fears soon, and I need to be prepared. For years, I had recurring nightmares of Steve leaving me. It seems that this was slightly prophetic, as he now has been diagnosed with stage four cancer, and is struggling daily with the treatments that we hope will prolong his life as long as possible. It doesn’t do me any good to dwell on the inevitable, but in quiet moments with myself on my porch or in the fields, I know that I will have to face life without him someday. This someday may come sooner than I expected. I cannot begin to imagine what life will be like without Steve, so the only real solution is to have faith. I have been active in a few faith communities on this island over the years, I have family close by, I have good friends, and I have my healing recovery communities in person and online. It will be okay. Still, it is a very heavy emotionally charged thing to face. I have been cherishing taking care of Steve, and every day we seem to get closer and closer. I know every passing day of his life and our life together is extremely precious, so I am treating it as thus.

There is no place for fear in the face of true belief. I can practice this faith unwaveringly, and still I lose it sometimes. I am not perfect. But faith has room for what I am handling, and I can give it all over to my higher power aka God, and carry belief and hope with me throughout my day. I still have hope that Steve will live for several years. I am grateful that I am blossoming as his caregiver, friend and cook. Sometimes it is a lot to handle on my own, but I just continue to put one foot in front of the other. I will say that I am questioning a lot about life right now, like what is a life without enjoyment and experiences? I could have tried harder to achieve at my dreams and goals, and I still could. But, I find that cherishing the love that Steve and I share, having a beautiful rescue German Shepherd that is extremely high maintenance, and valuing our past and all the fun and pleasure we have shared over the last almost thirty years… I have had it pretty good and continue to. I am so grateful that I did not give up being in love and having joy and pleasure in my life for achieving tirelessly at one of my so called dreams. In a soft way, the Universe gifted me my mental illness so that I remained true to course and focused on my partnership, pets, and family, as these were the things that seemed possible and ultimately important. God has a plan, and I trust in that. All that I am today, is a result of that divine order, and all that I have experienced and been through with Steve at my side is pure blessing. I am grateful every day for this life and for having hope for the future, whatever it may be.