I Miss You

“What kind of paradise am I looking for? I’ve got everything I want and still I want more. Maybe some tiny shiny key will wash up on the shore…”

-Ani Difranco, “Grey” Reveling Reckoning

This album was produced ages ago, around the time of 9//11. And this song in particular resonates with me deeply. I have quoted it before ages ago in a blog post on WelcomeToTheGrit, and in my book “Glass Slippers: A Journey of Mental Illness”, but I wanted to talk about it again. Perhaps we are built to strive in this life because it brings us purpose. What would life be without purpose? You can tell me that this is not a necessary thing to have in life, but I would say that I disagree. At least this is true for myself. What is my purpose as a human? And what is my purpose as an artist? Perhaps my purpose as a human is to be an artist, but then, what is the purpose of my art? Am I saying something? Am I evoking a reaction? Is that a positive reaction or a negative one? Does that even matter? Is all of my art good because at my core I am a child of God and I am good? Or is all of my art erred and flawed because as a child of God I am a sinner?

Obviously I want to do good in this life. I believe that if I am actually saying something that makes sense in my art, than I am doing some good. For me it can be a challenge at times with my schizoaffective disorder to even make rational sense. But saying something; saying something good, is the purpose of my writing. I want to inspire, I want to give hope and validation, I want to spread blessings around the world with each word that flows from my fingers. And in order to do this I must have Faith. I must have faith in a good world full of good human beings. I must have hope myself.

I am finally learning to have new hope as I plow through the strange and beautiful world of mental health support groups and Al-Anon. I am finally making real progress. Why then does it feel so damn messy? I am a mess! And this is okay. Because life is chaotic and messy. I am not necessarily trying to clean up this mess. I am just trying to make a damn beautiful mess.

Life is short and sweet to say the least. One minute we are born and the next we die. This life is a blink in the depth of chaos and this universe. And in God too, who is timeless and eternal. But I will be okay, and so will you… if you have hope, if you say something, if you contribute. I have faith that in this unravelling, in this chaos that I feel all around me right now, that I am still good at the core. I was born beautiful and I will die beautiful, even if my words do not come out right. I can say what I feel, I can speak my truth, and I can feel love. I can learn to let the love in. I can come out of the darkness, step into the light, and not go blind. Even if love is blind. I can take it. “It is so simple a feeling, but it is everything.” - Beyonce “I Miss You” 2011