Even Nothing Matters

Life has been so overwhelming, I am just going to check in for a minute. My partner has stage four cancer and is in a wheelchair and struggles with high heart rate, anemia, and shortness of breath to say the least. I too am disabled and live with the very serious diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. Lately I have been attending meetings focused around addiction and autism, and things have been strangely falling into place. I do not necessarily want another label, and a good friend who supports us with cleaning and dog sitting right now when we go off island for Steve’s treatments, said it very politely. “At this point does it really matter?” So many things fall into this category right now. Nothing matters is an odd statement my partner Steve used to say all the time when we first got together, and it very much perplexed me. I spent my teen years living what I believed was along the lines of everything matters. But as I get older, I see that nothing matters is almost an essential revelation for living in this crazy world. Obviously everything matters, but in the grand scheme of time, nothing really matters. You could also say that EVEN nothing matters; that there is matter even in the nothingness of the universe. But at this point so much of what I bothered myself with in my early years where I had a hope filled future and wanted to change the world for the better, doesn’t really seem to matter. Caring for others. Owning the clothes on my back. Having enough money for food and a roof over my head, and essentially living life to the fullest capacity that I am capable of, is what matters right now.

I am glad I lived a full and happy life with Steve these last 27 years. We did not concern ourselves with much other than being happy. I would go on the occasional philosophical detour and train to be a peer counselor, try and get an AA in Child and Family Studies, go to massage school, take painting classes in fine art and have art shows, write manuscripts in the hope of being published someday, and even nurtured my dream of being a singing musician, but all in all it would always just come down to us, our dogs and cats, food and making love. We have fond memories of camping, friends and fires in the yard, poker nights, eating out, and seeing music. I plan to attend a music festival that is happening in a couple weeks here on Lopez. It is three days and I hope to attend at least one day, maybe two. I went to a music festival here on Lopez called Lopez Uncovered Music Festival in the beginning of August, and it was such a good experience for me; dancing and people watching, as well as connecting with people in my community, that I am making a concerted effort to attend this other festival which they are calling Resonation. I will go alone, maybe with my sister or dad, and Steve will stay behind. He is very much content however, despite his many challenges, and now we have football, so all is well.

The purpose of life I have found, is simply to live it. As we near the end of Steve’s life, I am not only super grateful that we did just that, lived life to its fullest, I am also grateful that I and we continue to do so. All we have is the moment, and we must find a way to enjoy it. Still, I find purpose in living consciously and not harming life on this planet. I do this by not buying a new car or new clothes, by driving only when necessary, by giving up traveling on planes, by supporting local small businesses, by being available to those suffering with addictions or mental illnesses, by communicating with and appreciating all nature, and by trying to say something that matters with my art. There is still room for what I do and how I live mattering in this life, but I choose to not waste my time pursuing false hopes, nor do I condone harming people, nature or animals. It is okay to just live my life. It is okay to connect with and enjoy people of all walks in life. Gratitude for this life that I live, exactly as it is, is super important to my happiness. So whatever my labels, whatever my search, I find meaning in the moment simply by living it. The dichotomy of everything matters and nothing matters is really not a dichotomy at all. They mean essentially the same thing. Right now, everything matters, and I must seize every waking ounce of life out of this very moment in which I live, and then it is gone, like dust in the wind. We all will return to dust, at least on this physical plane, and we can find comfort in this oblivion, as we realize that even nothing really matters.