Queer, Mentally Ill, Sober, and Proud
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Abuse comes in many flavors. We may get it from our parents, our siblings, our lovers, or even our children. At the worst, we receive abuse from ourselves. Years ago, when I was in high school, I gave up advanced skiing for advanced snowboarding. I had a sweet lover and he never did anything wrong to me. He was a gentleman, and really my best friend in the whole world. I did however, abuse myself. I had an eating disorder, and I went to the extremes with both my running (I would run until I puked and on pavement which is a bad idea at any age; it catches up to us as we age), and with my extreme snowboarding. I have a bubble in my brain to say the least. Not only did I ignore signs and boarded wherever my dangerous heart pleased, I could not handle tricks or “catching air” as we said. There was a brief period in the beginning of my snowboarding career, before I learned better, that I would ride in the park and I would board off of the table-top as fast and as high as I could. I would fly in the air, and every time I landed flat on my mid-back with a hard smack. I could not land. I did this over and over to impress the boys, and then gave up trying to do tricks completely. I learned that I was an excellent carver, (with the help of my long stiff SIMS), and could hike up past the chair to catch the amazing fresh powder. On the lower slopes, I would go extremely fast. I broke my radius in my wrist, and I snowboarded with the cast. After that, I always wore wrist guards on the slopes, and this would help me when I would carve hard snow or ice, and when I would do the occasional cartwheel in the softer snow. My career pretty much lasted from freshman year in high school until senior year. I only went twice with my dad and my roommate Tony as an adult, though I did run the chair for a couple weeks in my mid-twenties at Steven’s Pass. I soon realized that the commute was too far from Columbia City in Seattle, and that I was too tired after a hard days work to go night boarding with my season’s pass as I had hoped, so I left the job.
Because I was familiar with overdoing it and self-abuse at a very young age, I did not treat my boyfriend very well in the end. This is a very sad story that I choose not to tell here at this time. But, I was familiar with alcoholism, drug use, the psychological addiction of anorexia-bulimia, and major depression all before I was 18 years old. Luckily, I found an amazing partner and man, though almost 18 years older that me, who I even was able to introduce to my high school best friend and boyfriend when I was nineteen. I am not saying that I have been a perfect angel these last 27 years, I have explored my sexuality at various moments (usually while drunk), but now I am quite religious and monogamous.
I am looking forward to Pride this year. We are on the tail end of the most magnificent month in the year, May, also Mental Health Awareness Month. I now identify as Queer/Bi/Trans, and even though I have been very open about this to my friends and community over these last five or so years, and have taken the name of Moon, I have never really celebrated Pride Month in the 46 years that I have been alive. I am excited to see my friends in the programs of AA and Al-Anon share their experiences around the country of the grand old USA, and all they will celebrate during this amazing and celebratory time. On my quiet island of Lopez in the San Juans, I hope to celebrate and attend our local Pride, and maybe even make more Queer connections here on the island. I am also arranging to start a Queer Support AA meeting called TTAQQ AA which stands for Tuesday Trans And Queer Questioning AA. (Add commas or & symbols where appropriate). This meeting, which will be under the umbrella of Lopez AA, will most likely start up in the Fall, as I have a lot going on in my life right now. But, I am stoked to have it voted in and in the planning stages.
In conclusion, don’t sell yourself short if you are mentally ill or queer, and if you do choose to celebrate Pride this year sober, know that you are not the only one. We all belong there, and we are all welcomed in the folds of our own loving and national Queer community here in the United States of America. Be kind to yourself, and I hope to see you out there, being proud, waving whatever flag your gay heart desires, and spreading love and peace with every wave. Hugs to you all on your self-care journeys.