Truth
5am AA at the Islander Resort, “Morning Hope”. Taken by Moon
I need to write a blog, so I am doing it. I am coming out of a month long episode. Again, I feel like I have been riding a wave, but what I know now, probably thanks to belief, is that I am not alone when I am psychotic. There are others, more than a million, that are experiencing traveling shamaniciy, and I can feel us all moving to a pulse that is collective. What I dislike, is that nobody is able to admit this or talk about this out-loud. It is simply communal consciousness. In 2007, the worst break of my life, we were followed by a major recession. I don’t think this is a coincidence. People, doctors, nurses, and professionals already know that there is a cycle to the patients and consumers that enter the psych ward. We are all breaking down, but the nuts and bolts, the actual mental health sufferers out there are the ones that pay. This does not exclude addicts and alcoholics, we tend to all “fall off the wagon” at the same time. The problem with the psychological addictions of eating disorders, and manic addictions like workaholism, is that these are acceptable addictions in our society. This perpetuates an ignorance around awareness that mental illness is the most prevalent issue on the planet right now. Aren’t we worried about the mental health of our tyrannical leaders, our cult massochists, or our school shooters?
I suspect, that my friends that were with me in the psych ward in 2007, revisit Harborview at similar times. Have they been wondering where I went? Psych wards are a revolving door. We get a bed, insurance allots us a certain time frame, and then we are let go. Rarely is there re-admittance if we feel we did not receive all the help that we needed. I tried this in 2007. My stay lasted six weeks, an incredibly long time. (My other two stays were 24 hours and four days in 1998 and 1999). I avoided the psych ward completely in 2016, 2019, 2021, and now again in 2026. This was a smaller episode, and I did not break any laws. I was not arrested, and I did not need an uptick in my medications. I did not drink alcohol, and I managed my routines, animals, household, and meetings just fine. But, finally, as I reemerge from this little trip I took out to what felt like the ends of the world and aloneness, I am feeling like things are better. Kind of like when you hit the slopes after a full summer off, and you ask yourself, how did I become a better skier and snowboarder even though I wasn’t practicing everyday? We have muscle memory, and we are growing and improving everyday and with every experience we have. Retrogrades are important, necessary, and natural. So, don’t beat yourself up if you had a slip, and don’t punish your fellows if the are coming back to work, coming back to meetings, or returning home after leaving family for a while.
Mostly, don’t judge yourself. Trust yourself. What you feel is true just may be true, and probably is. I am not talking about psychosis, delusions, or denial. I am talking about inner truth. Speak up! Don’t be afraid to belt this from the rooftops! The world needs more truth and brutal honesty right now. Younger generations: don’t be afraid to tell us older folks what is actually going on in the world today. We are old. We follow old patterns and old trends. We need your help to steer this ship correctly. Who cares if you couldn’t afford college, or live in a basement. Your reality, truth, words, and beliefs are valuable. If you are older, try to follow some younger people. Not just your children, though this is a good way to cue into our current status as a planet.
What is actually true? What is true, is what we feel and believe. Our guts. Not anything someone else has told us, or that is being held over our heads. I don’t care if it is in an AA meeting, a corporate office, or in your family or church. You don’t have to blindly swallow other’s truth. Truth, real truth, is our own and it belongs to us.