This Earthly Life

It is not easy to have physical pain. I imagine Steve, my first true love, experienced a lot of physical pain as he actively died from metastasized lung cancer. Dragon Balm, a pot salve, helped him immensely in the end, and he asked me every five minutes to apply it to his malnourished legs.

Now, I am experiencing a sort of physical breakdown. I have never experienced pain like this in my life. It is a breakdown, and has appeared like an episode. Dragon Balm is helping me too, and I can hear Steve’s soft voice and spirit watching over me and reminding me to apply it to my lower back and leg. I have experienced incredible back pain, and lately my leg has buckled beneath me in pain. I believe it is my tendon and a major nerve in the backside of my leg and knee.

I have been swimming and soaking in the cold puget sound, and I have soaked in my mother’s hot tub. But it is absolutely terrifying to not be able to walk or move when you are alone. My mother and sister, and dear friends, have been there for me, and I am truly grateful for their care. All this has given me insight into the pain Steve experienced throughout his life. He had many physical breakdowns in the almost 30 years we were together. When he was 18, his hip was broken into three pieces, and he was told he would not walk again. When I met Steve he said he could not feel his feet and that his legs and feet were numb from his shins down. This was when he was thirty-six, and he spent the next 20 years working on his feet and crawling on his hands and knees to grow marijuana, so that I could afford to go to school and buy art supplies, as well as clothes and jewelry. I now realize the extent to which he sacrificed himself so that I/we could have a happy life together.

After spending a half hour floating in the sandy shallows of Odlin Park the other day with my dog on a leash, and playing joyfully in the gentle waves, I exited the 40 degree water and was walking barefoot around the park with Jay. On my way back to the car, that nerve in my tendon on the backside of my knee buckled, and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to move the way I couldn’t when my back seized up a couple weeks ago. I said the F word in-front of a couple of kids on bikes, and one of the young teenage boys turned his head and asked if I needed help. I then looked down at my legs, and I could see the immense vascular veins in my legs, all illuminated from the lengthy time spent in the cold water. I could not believe how enlarged the blue veins were, and I stared at the back of my legs in pure horror and amazement. I knew I had large varicose veins in my legs, as they have been protruding from my right knee and the back of my left calf for some time in painful knots. But, now I could see all the veins in my legs, all enlarged and cutting through my thick fatty and muscular tissue like snakes.

The RN at the clinic had done some research on varicose veins, and told me that surgery was not necessary at this time. My sister makes medicinal oils and liniment that I have been applying to my legs along with the Dragon Balm. It seems to help. And once my legs returned to their natural hue as my body warmed up, I felt less concerned. So what is limiting my circulation to cause such immense and painful veins in my legs? Quitting smoking could only help, absolutely, and massage may help as well. I know poor circulation to the brain leads to dementia and Alzheimer’s, and I have watched my Dad progress down that path. He has always had terrible varicose veins….

Thank you, Steve, for watching over me through this physical breakdown. I wonder at times what our spirits remember as we pass from our physical bodies and are relieved of all mental and physical anguish. I know I will get through this pain that I am feeling spiritually, a pain that leads me to mourning my relationship that is no longer. Soon, someday, the joyful memories will return to me. I know Steve is at peace, but myself; I am tortured by every sin and flaw in my being that may have caused pain, terror, or grief for my dead partner and husband. I am a widow now, and I know there is forgiveness, and that it is not necessarily my fault. But I still experience this emotional anguish over the imperfection of this earthly life.