Total Impermanence

I’ve been working on my home. It has been a grueling few weeks. It started with taking our car to the Subaru dealership on a Monday, and finding that the tires were so thread bare that they were illegal, and with new tires, it would be almost $4,000 in fixes, with several thousand to come soon on our 2,000 Subaru Legacy sedan with about 150,000 miles on it. I made a decision with the help of my mom on the phone to donate it to Vehicles for Veterans, and we arranged to have them pick it up at the dealership. I hustled to take the license plates off and completely empty the contents of the car, including a heavy AA crate filled with books I had been trucking around, into my sister’s van. She was off island with the kids, was in the neighborhood, and was able to grab me. I blew the car a kiss, and we headed off to the Skagit YMCA to go swimming with the kids.

Losing our little car that I could picture Steve sitting next to me in so well, triggered immense grief, and I spent the next few days in a deep sadness. I was able to pull it together by Friday when my mom and I headed down to Bellevue to check out a couple Subaru Foresters she had her eye on. The plan was to get her an upgrade, and for me to acquire her 2000 Subaru Outback with 108,000 miles on it that has been very well cared for. It was another 13 hour day, and all we did was go to two dealerships and had a little lunch. She ended up driving home a 2015 Subaru Forester with heated leather seats and a sun roof. The following Thursday, we headed to Friday Harbor to get the title for my new little car. In the days between, I mowed the yard, got a bail of hay for the yard, and went on several hour and half walks with the dog.

The next thing I remember, My mom is evaluating my sink faucet, and we decide to replace my kitchen counters. This all started the Wednesday following our Friday Harbor venture, and we spent Wednesday through Tuesday deeply sorting, cleaning, painting, and preparing the kitchen for the remodel. I had yesterday off, but found myself doing further organizing in my home. Today I have off as well, and tomorrow, Friday, we will get going again on the construction. That all being said, this is why I have not found the time to write a post on WelcomeToTheGrit for seventeen days. I usually post every 7-14 days, and have not gone this long without posting in a while. I’ve had to cancel church, bible study, therapy, AA, and other activities. I’ve been solely focused on the work in the kitchen and recovering from it. Also, my dog had an allergic reaction which was entirely my fault, and was chewing and licking his tail bloody, so is in a cone. He is taking it really well, and every day I let him out of his cone for his walking adventures, and I give him an hour or two where I keep my eyes on him so he can clean himself and have a few good scratches. This has added to the stress of the situation.

I am negotiating finally going to do something outside of my home this evening. I am torn, as I hate to leave Jay home alone in his cone. But, I have to take care of myself too. Jay has accepted his current fate. We have been spending more time together and perhaps this is helping. I love my dog and cat so much, and I am pretty happy staying home and nurturing my pets.

March is a risky time of year for my mental health. Originally, I ended February with cutting back on my smoking and a plan to quit. I am still smoking less, but have extended my goal to actually quit, and lost some ground on my progress. But it is okay. I have also been taking more anxiety medication. I still am abstaining from coffee, as every time I drink even a couple cups, I have a reaction and have to take medication to counteract the induced anxiety. My birthday is the 27th. This is my first Spring without Steve, and the fact that this is a challenging time of year for me makes me miss him even more. The grief has become less bodily, but is still present. This is part of why I like to be home with my pets. I am able to feel deep sadness authentically, shed tears, and connect with God and Steve’s spirit.

I still feel a deep sense of unknowing at what and where Steve is now. One gift that I have received, however, is the reminder that I will die, and I will die relatively soon. I hope to see him again, though this is an uncertain promise. This new awareness helps me savor every day, and helps me to not worry over the little things. It makes me wish to not waste energy on resentments, and my opinions have softened. The existential awareness that I am so impermanent, and that life is so short and at times almost meaningless, is comforting in a way. I have no control over the fact that Steve is gone now, and though I have wracked my brain over and over, I have now fully accepted that I did my best, and that I could not have prevented his death. We loved each other deeply, and we had a really good life. Working through it, I can see that the good moments far outweigh the bad. Steve has gifted to me the immense gift of letting go of my past. It is a new life, and though I am less concerned with finding deep meaning in my existence, I have hope that good things are still to come. The fact that I will die, and will cease existing on this plane, has become comforting. A stark reality to absorb and process; our lives are short, and so much doesn’t really matter. So much of what we concern ourselves with is a waste of time. I am further letting go of attachments, and finding a new freedom in my simple existence. Thank you, my love, for this gift and these lessons. You continue to make me a better person.