Grief, Trauma and Codependency

In the wake of my partner’s passing, my self-discovery has come to a head as I face immeasurable grief. The truth is, that I have been dealing with and processing an inordinate amount of grief for some time. The same goes for trauma. I have suffered with a great amount of sexual, physical and psychological trauma in my adult life. From hospitalizations and being in a strait jacket, hitting my head on the wall, suffering unbearable psychosis, and being sexually and physically assaulted. There is a link here. My trauma and my grief are very much united, and are also very real in me both emotionally and physically. I believe I have grief stored in my body, suffering I have endured since childhood, and I also believe my trauma is closely connected to this grief.

I have done much searching over this last month, and in the years prior. I know that I suffer with grief and trauma, and that this may or may not have everything to do with my schizoaffective disorder. Science shows that abuse does not cause schizophrenia, and leads rather to the fact that there is a gene that is triggered while transitioning into adulthood or that is awakened from a traumatic event. But if trauma can trigger a gene, I would imagine that abuse could also trigger a gene.

I have grief around losing my potential life of having a degree, a career, owning a home and having a family. For years, I also could not travel because of my disability. I defined it over and over as a stress disorder, as my symptoms often worsened with stress. This meant no kids, no travel, no school, and no full-time job.

It all comes down to processing and healing this grief and trauma. Stress also caused burnout recently, and this has cued to the fact that I may have Autism Spectrum Disorder. Since masking is a major part of how autistics manage in our society, losing the ability to mask due to caregiver/autistic burnout, resulted in me exhibiting some neurodivergent behaviors, that I have always had to a certain degree but became heightened with burnout. I believe that I have always been mildly autistic, but due to my upbringing, masking, and the desire to not cause a problem for my family who was incredibly busy, I hid this very fact. I believe I was bullied in middle and high school because of this, and as I learned to hide who I really was, I became increasingly distant from knowing myself and therefore caring for myself. I had a very stressful college situation and this triggered my gene for schizoaffective disorder. Still, autistic people are six times more likely to develop schizoid tendencies.

This all leads to the subject of codependency. I believe my family is very codependent as many families are. I have been in recovery for this for over a year, and the main lesson that I have learned, other then detaching myself from other’s issues and problems and learning to not take on unnecessary burdens, is that as I recover, I am learning to take care of, listen to, and know myself in ways that I never have before. Relationships are the pie of life, but some of us are so triggered by other people, we fail to learn how to have a healthy relationship with ourselves. Becoming sober and healing resentment, along with learning the skills that I need around recovering from being codependent, I am arriving at a place where I am learning who I really am. And this person is not non-binary, bisexual, autistic, alcoholic, christian, pagan, an artist or a codependent… this person is simply a human being who can learn to love others as she learns to love herself.

Grief and trauma are two very important keys to finding the true me beneath all the rubble this life has tried to bury me under. But I am resilient. As I take the time to heal and process my grief and trauma, I find that I have the inner strength to uncover myself in the rubble, to move each chunk of hard earth from my tired bones, and breathe life into my shell. It is in healing my codependency, that I give myself permission to do this for myself. And the more I uncover, the more love I am able to feel for myself and for others. All three are keys to unlocking a hold that has had its grip upon me in this life.  I am freed as I walk away from traditional labels, and as I lean further into the recovery process; the recovering and the painting of the haunted house that is my home. This work I must do alone. As I build a better relationship to self, and learn how to deal with other people in a healthy manner, I am making great strides on healing my stored up grief and trauma.