RAGE

I experienced true rage back in 2007 when I had my third and most virulent psychotic break, and my last hospitalization. At the time, I was in massage school, and was studying Ayurvedic massage, cranial sacral massage, and psychosomatic massage. At least these were my three areas of interest within the massage curriculum, and what I was focused on. Psychosomatic massage attends to stored trauma in the body. Giving and receiving massage with this focus in mind, everyday, either in my classes or with my clients, opened up a deep well of inner trauma, grief, and rage stored in my own singular body. This, and all the other work I was doing, as well as a perfectionist attitude around my studies, resulted in me plunging into a three month psychotic break where I became violent against inanimate objects, spoke very little if at all, and lived endless nightmares in my psychosis. Eventually, I found my way to Harborview, and spent several weeks in that psych ward. I received some of the best care imaginable, became somewhat stable on medications, and studied dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), which I then continued to take two full courses of out here in the San Juan Islands where I relocated to full-time six months after being released from the hospital with my life partner.

The rage I want to speak of is controversial for several reasons. Some in the mental health field believe we should avoid indulging in the emotion of anger, as each mental state we engage in builds neural pathways in our brains. The more we indulge in anger, the more we strengthen these neural pathways. But rage is another matter, in my humble opinion. Rage is the emotional cocktail of anger, grief, and shame, and transcends neural pathways in the brain and extends to the heart center. It is the very core of who we are as a human species, and exists on a universal plane of consciousness. I tapped into the deepest part of me the day I literally saw red and smashed up my car and my fifty gallon fish tank with a large pipe wrench. This pipe wrench was then put away out of sight for many years by my partner, Steve, who no doubt was traumatized by witnessing me enact the many acts of rage; breaking windows, screaming, and what else I do not remember.

The mental states I enter into while in a psychotic break (not necessarily all psychosis I experience happens within an actual break or major episode) are traumatic for family, friends and community. I learned recently while attending NAMI mental health support groups online that “mental illnesses are traumatic events”. It is possible that it all comes down to trauma, grief, anger, shame, and therefore rage, and for this reason, I believe our mental health consumers are simply prophets or beacons for what is happening within our species on a global scale. We are simply acting out the insanity that is everywhere on this planet. Abandoning the mentally ill to the streets or pushing them out of our minds completely, stifles the expression of our collective species, and ultimately when we do this, when we abandon the mentally ill, we abandon ourselves. Neurodivergent people simply see and act in this world in a way that is beyond traditional programming. We must bring these people into our consciousness and awareness, even into our hearts, if we are to have any hope for our planet and our species.

To this day, I believe that accessing and experiencing the rage I felt back in 2007, was a breakthrough. We all have this rage buried deep within us. Other ways, and perhaps less harmful ways of experiencing our rage and healing it, is to feel the anger and shame within us in micro and manageable levels while in prayer and meditation. But to nurture our souls both individually and collectively, we have to acknowledge that rage exists, and it exists inside of each and every human being on the planet. It is what ties us together. Somehow, someway, we must look at, feel, enter into, and acknowledge this very real, raw, and ancient truth.