The Gift of Loss
Grief has proven to be very transformative. This is a process, yes, accepting that the love of my life is beyond the veil in heaven, but I do not feel separated from his spirit. His body yes, and I mourn that heavily. Steve’s heavenly body that comforted my own for so many years.
The thing is, I also see this as an opportunity. I must stay positive. Segway: when I was in third grade and was in a spelling bee, I was eliminated and only got third place because I thought that opinion was spelled with two p’s. In my young mind, I had confusion about two words, and interplayed them in my mind. The two words were opinion and opportunity. I seemed to believe that opinion was spelled with two p’s and opportunity was spelled with just one. I can still get this confused today. I have to think hard back to that precious moment in my childhood to remember that I have it wrong in my mind. But, I learned successfully by losing the bee that opportunity is actually spelled with two p’s and opinion with just one. It seems that the loss of the spelling be actually did truly teach me something.
It is astounding, however, that I can still get this wrong. And hard lessons are sometimes that way. We think we have learned, but we can revert back to old ways. The truth is we must move forward and learn our lesson. I have to ask myself, why did I interchange these two words in my mind, other than the fact that they both started with an o that was followed by a p? How are my opinions opportunities, and how does opportunity lead to opinion? In my journaling yesterday, I asked myself this very question. I believe that having an opinion, we must be in touch with our authentic selves, and this leads to opportunity as we follow our interests out into the world. Also, opportunity is definitely something that I am allowed to have an opinion about. I can choose whether to engage in daily opportunities by staying true to my opinions and inner truth.
The process of dealing with great loss in my life is definitely an opportunity for growth. In this opportunity, I find that I am assessing my opinions very deeply. Do I believe in heaven, and what does this look like? What do I believe about myself, and what are my opinions now that I am single and alone in this world? This leads to choices; do I stay home or go out? What belongings do I want to keep or pass on? What are my sincere beliefs about myself and this world without the loving guidance of my life partner and teacher? Why do I just want to cry and say I am sorry to Steve that he died? As a schizoaffective, I must have good boundaries and keep a solid support system in place. But who am I really? The love that I still feel for Steve in the wake of his death, is leading me to understand myself on a much deeper level. As I get in touch with my true opinions, I am led to opportunity. I am so much more than this label. I am good, I am loved, I am held, and I am watched over. I must believe this. I am not alone and Steve will never ever leave my side, even though solid reality says different.
In this aloneness, I am finding peace. It is still very hard, and I just miss him so damn much. I vacillate from early memories living in the Methow Valley in the mountains and making love, shoveling snow, and bathing in the Fall sun on the stoney river beds. I also am remembering our animals, all the houses we have lived in, and different journeys and adventures taken. I am full of memories of Steve’s and mine lives together ranging almost three decades. I will truthfully admit, that I have had to work through painful memories as well, but as I do this difficult work, the regret fades away, and what is left are endless positive and hopeful moments and memories. We loved each other so deeply. Humans are flawed. The Catholic in me needs to process the painful moments, but then it is time for me to let them go. As Steve guides me from the spirit world to trail back to the joyful, passionate, and beautiful moments of our lives together, I am able to move further into inner peace and find serenity. But, getting to know myself is part of this rich and fertile opportunity. It is my humble opinion that I get to do this work, and that it will lead to endless opportunities. Thank you, Steve for this precious gift.