Corruption in Contrast

Sitting now in my living room, I am listening to my Seattle friend’s Facebook reggae-ska-soul radio program, and Steve is watching his hockey game. The air is so littered with bugs outside it almost looks solid with little flying critters. The hot sun is settling low on the horizon, and this September summer day is cooling considerably. Three times I interacted with my five year-old niece today. I told her two stories over the phone, we had a FaceTime call where we showed eachother our stuffed animals, and we visited and kicked the ball, played in the kiddy pool, rode the bike down the gravel driveway, and ate popsicles. My knee is weary from a long walk down the hot sunny roads of Lopez, and my belly is full of fried chicken dipped in homemade plum sauce.

I chaired a meeting with just two members today, and was able to talk and vent about my publishing company, and what seems to be the general stupidity of the world. Why am I destined to stay home battling medications adjustments, while others who do not seem to be worthy get to run this world… literally into the ground. After venting, I returned to my simple life, and though I just can’t shake the feeling of wanting to get trashed, I am returned in this moment to the beauty of my simple life as the reggae plays on my laptop speakers. After a day spent with the little girl I would happily sacrifice my life for, eating delicious foods, being served homemade chocolate tofu pudding from my sister, and resting in my very soft bed hugging my brand new teddy bear, I am reminded of simple pleasures. With so much wrong in the world; black smokey skies covering San Francisco, covid culture, typhoons, glacial melt, protests and riots in the streets, and the awareness that our country and its institutions are blatantly racist, perhaps life landed me where I am meant to be. Perhaps with all of the wild twists and turns of my life, hospitalizations, episodes, and traumas, I ended up here. I ended up in a home, surrounded by and near to loved ones and family, secure, simple, free, and safe. Perhaps life was never meant to be about climbing that ladder, and from the moment that I left Mills College at Riverside airport in a cop car, I began a journey that may seem so some unpredictable at best. But it was this very turn of events that led me down a curving underground path. Below the surface, while on this path, I not only encountered dragons and their lairs, I discovered hidden treasure. I met surfs and princes in disguise, I drank drinks with prophets, and held the hands of many children that were beginning their journeys in a defunct society. I sat in river beds, and around fires with many friends. My life became a story, as many of our lives do. There is no real sense to my trip. When I tried to conform, it all was thrown back in my face, so I continued in the tunnels and laughed and prayed with all of the strange creatures that I found down there.

The design of the tragedies that are everywhere on the planet these days is not premeditated. It seems that today especially, hardship can befall anyone. I have grown in my faith, and I also have weak moments, like today and last night when I questioned my sobriety. I wanted a reset button. But, I value this journey that I am on too much to throw it down on the floor. There may be craving. I may be asking the question, “What is the point?!” Yet, I do think that I can trust I have not arrived here by accident. My man, my niece, my family and friends, we interweave to create the most colorful tapestry, and our threads that are woven hold us together and connect us. I am exactly where I am meant to be. Thank you, Lord. Help me discover your will, help me to marry my will with yours, and guide me further down this crooked road so that I may keep my head above the waves. Even if I don’t know what I am doing or how I got here; I trust you are keeping me alive, surrounding me with beauty, and that if I look hard enough at the simple facts of my life, I will find purpose and acceptance of all that has been gifted to me.