Imbolc

I sit and watch the brown leaves dangle on the delicate oak. I can hear the whisper of it awakening it’s roots and branches on this sunny winter day. As I sit, a bird comes and lands on my goddess bust hanging on the fence, seeming to welcome this holiday into existence. I am lucid, delicate and slightly hung over. It is Steve and mine anniversary and this year we are celebrating our twentieth. It is also Imbolc and the Goddess is born today, as she is every year, warming the earth and our hearts with her gentle intuitive and Yin energies. She will guide the daffodils as they continue to push out of the earth, and aide the branches in pushing out their first buds of springtime. I am feeling this beginning to a tradition holy in my heart and my relationship. I have decided to savor the stillness of the day and let the cool breeze blow through my house. The earth seems to be full of gentle messages to my subconscious, and I am aware that life has forever changed since break ’16 as I am calling it. “My psychotic break of two thousand sixteen” or “my most recent vision quest of two thousand sixteen” just has become too long to roll off the tongue.

This time two years ago my change into being a menopausal woman or peri-menopausal was in its beginning stages. My shift in hormones affected my brain chemistry dramatically, and before I adjusted my life to a slower and careful self nurturing pace where I am present every day to my symptoms and emotions, my life was full of work and this led to “break 16” as I am calling it. The last couple years have been full of ups and downs that had become very much nonexistent in the nine years prior to this breakdown. I recovered from a hospitalization in 2007, and my life took on a healthy and normal cadence. I am learning that normal is not for me, a lesson long awaited, and I have surrendered to a life of slow paced self betterment. I nurture myself with journaling and meditation, and I have cleared my schedule to allow for the gentle flow of symptoms that come in and out of my life. I have learned that letting the faucet of my grief and psychosis flow ever so slightly, It will not explode and break my delicate pipes all at once. Spring is the time for this to happen, so I am monitoring myself very closely. I am happy and at peace, though. I may be in and out of lucidity and at times wear my emotional pain on the outside of my body like a physical symptom, but I am held. I am held by my lover, I am held by my family, I am held by my community, and I am held by the great spirit. I have faith that all is well.

The weather has shifted and clouds sail across the sky, the wind embracing the branches of trees and bushes which it caresses. It is not spring yet, and winter will hold on for some final moments of slumber, reaching for the snooze button several ties before the Goddess pushes forth her buds and flowers. I am so grateful today for my husband and my health. I know that this year will be full of learning and healing about my inner process. I am embarking on this journey fully after two years of fine-tuning myself and resolving to truly take this journey as I graduate to mage. Waking to this world and spring can be exhausting, and birth painful, yet it is beautiful. I cherish both the light and the dark today, as we hang in the precipice of what is to come.