Dreaming of a Woman

There are many things in life that can bring up difficult feelings. We all have our stories, triggers, and tendencies while interacting with the world and other human beings. I myself struggle still with the closing of the last phase of my life that was caused by a severe psychotic break and resulted in me moving to Lopez Island. While my life has been wonderful here, full of healing, relaxing, and inspiring relationships, I have recently discovered that there is something blocking me to my past, or to life before those events that led me to my new one. Unfortunately this has happened three times in my life, every psychotic break creating a wall that it is hard to penetrate or see through to remember who I am, as well as to make a flowing congruence to reflecting on my life as a whole.

Focusing on the last interruption, I was in massage school just off of Lake Union in Seattle. I had been happy and stable for two years and had also trained to be a peer counselor to other mental health patients. The stress of massage school brought on an extreme episode, which due to the massage therapy was psychosomatic and physically painful as well as psychological. I also experienced rage in way that had never happened. I saw red the day I took a giant wrench to my car, my fish tank, and my windows, as well as putting a chair through the front window an acquaintance’s SUV.

So I have come to a place where I feel confident again, proud, happy, peaceful; as well as grateful, content, and accomplished. Yet there is a new set of trauma held up in my physical body, now. When I receive massage therapy, my back freezes up intensely, and a massage therapist who I trust and is a teacher, suggested that it was memory from my last episode due to me being in massage school when it occurred. Though I have reached a new phase of health and security in my ability to cope, get through, thrive and live, there seems to be normal every day human issues to attend to. Now I must heal from the trauma that has been caused by my disability, and find a way to fully remember who I am and who I was meant to be.

Icicles live on the tissue

That connects my heart to my rib cage

If I really look I can feel them there

They cause interruptions in my daily life

And at times make it hard for me to breath

I must remember that I can choose you

Life is so much better than it was, yet

I crave to see… to remember the girl holding the flowers

The young woman with so many dreams

Where was it I wanted to go, what was it I wanted to do?

I will find you

I will find the sun and warmth to melt away the scars

And produce the soft blue glow of hope

A rainbow that will bring me to a day where I was new

Blossoming

And dreaming of a woman