The Word
Photo by Moon
In the beginning there was the word, and the word was God. This is a quote. I am not going to put it in quotation marks for a reason. The reason is that it is from the most published book in history. Yes, you guessed it, the Bible. It is the first twelve words of the Bible. Why do I premise this essay with these words? Because this is all you need to know about this story. The rest is really a bunch of writing and stories, and there are millions, billions, of stories out there, many much less known, though not less important. I like this phrase, because other than the word God, there is another four letter word that resonates with me. And that is word. This statement begins with word, then takes us to God, then back to word. Word, word was God. But it is the beginning, so really there are no other words. Just God. God is the word, and the word is God.
In my life, I have spent endless hours with a paintbrush in my hand. In this place, I was beyond words. Words eluded me. Words were utterly beyond me, and it was all very primal. I needed to explore this wordless place, so that I could take a look deep into my psyche. I had a very serious disorder. Bipolar disorder with psychosis. Before we even had the word Schizoaffective. Or when the diagnosis Schizoaffective was still in its infancy. I had spent time lost. Lost in fantasy. I had even forgot what my name was. When asked, I honestly came up blank. There were other traumas; being put in a strait jacket and in a padded room, becoming raped and assaulted, losing my friends and identity to illness. I had a lot to process, and I found painting in abstraction and colors in oil and acrylic really settled me down. Steve would go to work for eight plus hours, and I would stay home and paint. We grew pot, so I could afford all the paint, canvasses, tools, and brushes my little broken heart desired. It was a phenomenal decade plus of my life. Quite the journey I took into the world of art.
Then one day I found my words. I always wrote poetry and papers for school, but now I would take it to new levels. I started this blog in 2014 with the commitment to make a post every 7-14 days, and though a page of writing every week or so may not sound like much, it has now, twelve years later, amounted to hundreds upon hundreds of pages and essays reflecting on a myriad of topics all centering around my process and my mental health. I also started publishing new poetry. One day, I came up with a 24 day challenge. I would write and publish a new poem everyday for 24 days. It took me on a journey for sure. Poetry has a way of gutting the literary experience down to true gold. I could reach into my psychotic memories and process them, and bring them down to earth and reality through writing poetry. I don’t publish a poem all that often, but I love it when I do write them.
Now, I have over a decade of my recorded cogitations. Some of it is really good. Some of it is okay. But I always knew it was just an exercise in accountability in order to keep me writing and to develop a craft. I journal too, and have dozens of college rule notebooks full of my thoughts. I have found that once the words come, they just keep on coming. Painting was always a tool, not an endgame. Just as this blog has been. I had fun publishing Glass Slippers in 2017/18, and this did give my ego a needed boost, but I have now resorted to understanding my art as a healing process once again. And it is out there, no need to make it paper. It is published on the internet. I am stepping into this paperless technological world, and I am okay with that.
What was before the word? Before the beginning? Nobody knows really. Maybe it was empty space. Maybe it was the ending of another epic story. If I know anything, endings lead to beginnings, and beginnings lead to ends. Let’s not forget about all that is in between. The process, the journey, the healing, the living. Grateful to be alive today and willing and able to write this. Love to you and yours on your journeys of healing. May you find pictures or words or shapes or music or whatever helps you on this path we call life.